long distance

My boyfriend's graduating this November; I'm happy for him, really, that he attained that certain level in his life. When you get a diploma in your hands, I think it's like you also get respect and some kind of maturity -- I feel like a kid and he's like an older brother already.Like graduating makes him be in a higher platform than the one I'm standing right now, which it does... somehow. *looks down ashamed*

Then there's the other thing which is... he's not from around here so sooner or later (oh~ please be later) he's gonna go away, maybe away-in-the-country or away-abroad.

I don't really know what to think about that really... I'd miss him, that's expected. But I don't know if I have the guts, is it guts? courage, is it courage? I don't know... I just don't know if I can trust him to be absolutely faithful, the answer to that would be - he won't be absolutely, saintly loyal to me. ~heh is there a guy like that? that would be creepy. The  thought is bugging me. It feels like, I'd rather risk having a wonderful future with this great guy all cause I want to avoid being hurt again.

It's funny how guys think that it's cause of lack of love. If there was fear in heart break - I'd say that. Fear of accepting that in this life I can never be first...

ugh. I'm just PMSing...

Having weird thoughts like....

1. Break up and never have to face the possibility of being cheated on. Then possibly, he would concentrate on his exam and maybe he'd even ace it.

2. Still break up with him, then he could review more and after exams... we'd re-think if we still would continue with everything. but then it would make me look a lot like a gold digger or whatever if he passes the board.

3. Suck the fear up and face the possible break-up in the future like a rock. 

bleh... such is the thoughts of teenage girl ~ graduate. Still the thoughts like a teenager though, quite funny... cause I always thought adults thought more maturely and no longer worried about silly love life. haha...

but then again love isn't silly at all but essential for a humane society. ^^ so I guess with that I can continue worrying without thinking I'm immature, cause at the end... what really is maturity? ~ I haven't yet found its meaning in my life yet.

da one?

haha.. sounds korny. but.. it feels weird and i feel embarrassed thinking about it. admitting that i feel this way cause the person concerned might feel the opposite or might be scared of the idea. ha! tao nga naman.. lage gusto may kasama sa lahat ng bagay. includes feelings din? mm??

anyway, i realized it kasi.. my ex, i knew from the start i was NEVER ever gonna end up with him. the idea never crossed my mind! honestly. mamatay man ako. and now... with my current bf, i suddenly have this wanting.

is it him or am i in that stage?? i'd say both? maybe.. i haven't thought about it. i'll assume it. cause right from the start (extremely cheesy) i thought, this guy.. i want to marry this guy. he's the one.

right from the start, i didn't think he was perfect. in relationships, that stage happens right? oh.. he's so perfect.. hindi kame bagay and what not. pero, that time, with him. he was my friend, and i knew his flaws and found them.. funny... annoying kung minsan.. and familiar.. in a way cause i have like hundreds of flaws myself. no joke.

then... on the motherly instinct?? i don't think motherly yet. cause my mind's like in pregnancy stage and not the giving birth and taking care of my baby stage. i think, being pregnant would be wonderful. although, yeah... yeah.. i won't! don't worry.. i'm just 20, unemployed, undergrad, owns nothing whatsoever. i know my responsibilities.

so.. i was thinking, regardless of who the person might be. gaaad.. let it be him. but who knows. i want to get married in the age of 27-29. that, would be perfect! i wanted 24-26, but.. there's this issue about "mom".

anyway, i was just thinking of him this day, and how he's the best guy that could ever have loved me and i'm so thankful. i feel guilty of treating him unfairly this past few days, he's even sick! gaad... how mean can i be? he's even so cute. i don't know what has gotten into me this past days.