long distance

My boyfriend's graduating this November; I'm happy for him, really, that he attained that certain level in his life. When you get a diploma in your hands, I think it's like you also get respect and some kind of maturity -- I feel like a kid and he's like an older brother already.Like graduating makes him be in a higher platform than the one I'm standing right now, which it does... somehow. *looks down ashamed*

Then there's the other thing which is... he's not from around here so sooner or later (oh~ please be later) he's gonna go away, maybe away-in-the-country or away-abroad.

I don't really know what to think about that really... I'd miss him, that's expected. But I don't know if I have the guts, is it guts? courage, is it courage? I don't know... I just don't know if I can trust him to be absolutely faithful, the answer to that would be - he won't be absolutely, saintly loyal to me. ~heh is there a guy like that? that would be creepy. The  thought is bugging me. It feels like, I'd rather risk having a wonderful future with this great guy all cause I want to avoid being hurt again.

It's funny how guys think that it's cause of lack of love. If there was fear in heart break - I'd say that. Fear of accepting that in this life I can never be first...

ugh. I'm just PMSing...

Having weird thoughts like....

1. Break up and never have to face the possibility of being cheated on. Then possibly, he would concentrate on his exam and maybe he'd even ace it.

2. Still break up with him, then he could review more and after exams... we'd re-think if we still would continue with everything. but then it would make me look a lot like a gold digger or whatever if he passes the board.

3. Suck the fear up and face the possible break-up in the future like a rock. 

bleh... such is the thoughts of teenage girl ~ graduate. Still the thoughts like a teenager though, quite funny... cause I always thought adults thought more maturely and no longer worried about silly love life. haha...

but then again love isn't silly at all but essential for a humane society. ^^ so I guess with that I can continue worrying without thinking I'm immature, cause at the end... what really is maturity? ~ I haven't yet found its meaning in my life yet.