It's 2013!!

Hey!! It's 2013 and I'm 23 already! n.n yay me!

I wonder if I grew more mature in anyway, cause I've just finished back-reading all of my blogs since 2006. woah... 6 years ago or 7.. whatever, 2013 has barely begun, so that's 6 years. But gosh, those post were crazy. I have no idea why my current bf fell in love with me while reading my blogs. He must've been crazy or something.

Oh yeah, I'm still currently in a relationship with my second bf. Don't know until when this will last, maybe tomorrow? maybe next month? It just isn't my main priority right now. I don't really know what this kind of relationship is for anymore, it feels like psych-therapy sessions when I'm talking to him. I'm trying to fix his life, he's trying to fix mine.. ugh... I don't know. Well, whatever.. I'm in no rush to change or find out what the hell is this relationship about.

Oh yeah, I finally graduated last year and passed the board exam. That was a good year! I'm now... *ehem* Engr. Rawr!

And the first thing that I should do this year is find a job. This is... the awkward part, the part you don't want to do. Looking for a good job, going through interviews, leaving your comfort zone.. ah! But I must do it. I don't want to be a bum forever.

Let's see here, what else...

Nothing much's been happening really. They all congratulate me and I feel guilty cause I didn't really do anything. They should congratulate themselves for paying all my tuition fees and feeding such a weird but awesome girl. heh.

Something's wrong

I don't know what's been happening lately...

I feel extremely sad. I want to stop already and be happy. 

What is this feeling inside of me like I want to ruin everything, even my own happiness.

:(

The feeling like I want to disappear. My bf's not here to help me with this. I guess I'm on my own. I've become so dependent on him lately. Whenever I feel sad, I expect him to call me and make me happy but now he didn't call. I had to wait till 2 in the morning awhile ago for him to call. I feel awful, so desperate. I hate this.

That's why I was thinking of breaking up with him. What have I turned into? This isn't me. Not what I want to be in any case. 

Is a decision really necessary?

Hello Minna! It's been 2 years since my last post and I've missed having my blog-therapy that I think is the reason why I've not been myself lately.

I just wanted to tell a story here where no one would judge me and I could say all sorts of things and no one would think awful of me.

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I was thinking for a long time if you would choose between 2 men.

Guy 1: Understands me or rather tries to. Doesn't share the same hobbies or values but understands me in ways that doesn't require words. He just does.

Guy 2: Is in so many ways like is like me. Like we were practically twins! But the problem is.. sometimes I hate myself.

It really isn't a "real" decision cause Guy 1 is my boyfriend and Guy 2 doesn't like me. But I was thinking if I should stick it with my boyfriend till the serious part *ehem marriage* or should I find a guy like Guy 2. Somebody much like me, would it be better? Would we have fun together?

Then I remember the saying, " A fish in my hand is better than two in the water"

But then... what if I wouldn't be happy? Then, I would have regretted not trying? Agh!! I have to stop overthinking again and just enjoy now.

I'm happy to have met Guy 2 because he showed my how there are actually people who are like me. Like... people like me actually exist! Don't get me wrong, I don't love him. He just unknowingly planted a seed in me *ugh.. no nasty thoughts!*, more like an idea of how it would be like to be with someone with the same values, hobbies and whatnot.


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Deviating from the topic. I just was wondering.. my friend told me that all men are perverted, they just don't show it. That made me think, are all girls perverted? hahaha... I really want to know if I'm abnormal?

long distance

My boyfriend's graduating this November; I'm happy for him, really, that he attained that certain level in his life. When you get a diploma in your hands, I think it's like you also get respect and some kind of maturity -- I feel like a kid and he's like an older brother already.Like graduating makes him be in a higher platform than the one I'm standing right now, which it does... somehow. *looks down ashamed*

Then there's the other thing which is... he's not from around here so sooner or later (oh~ please be later) he's gonna go away, maybe away-in-the-country or away-abroad.

I don't really know what to think about that really... I'd miss him, that's expected. But I don't know if I have the guts, is it guts? courage, is it courage? I don't know... I just don't know if I can trust him to be absolutely faithful, the answer to that would be - he won't be absolutely, saintly loyal to me. ~heh is there a guy like that? that would be creepy. The  thought is bugging me. It feels like, I'd rather risk having a wonderful future with this great guy all cause I want to avoid being hurt again.

It's funny how guys think that it's cause of lack of love. If there was fear in heart break - I'd say that. Fear of accepting that in this life I can never be first...

ugh. I'm just PMSing...

Having weird thoughts like....

1. Break up and never have to face the possibility of being cheated on. Then possibly, he would concentrate on his exam and maybe he'd even ace it.

2. Still break up with him, then he could review more and after exams... we'd re-think if we still would continue with everything. but then it would make me look a lot like a gold digger or whatever if he passes the board.

3. Suck the fear up and face the possible break-up in the future like a rock. 

bleh... such is the thoughts of teenage girl ~ graduate. Still the thoughts like a teenager though, quite funny... cause I always thought adults thought more maturely and no longer worried about silly love life. haha...

but then again love isn't silly at all but essential for a humane society. ^^ so I guess with that I can continue worrying without thinking I'm immature, cause at the end... what really is maturity? ~ I haven't yet found its meaning in my life yet.

ur so kewl

anu yan jejemon? wateVER! wala naman "h" eh. mga jejemong kapampangan lang yun poh. ugh.. korny... anyway...

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i'd stop going to bars..
stop hanging round the mall
sipping coffee
smoking my cigarettes
stop drinking till dawn partying...

cause it's cooler hanging around you.
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style ng mahilig sa bahay. haha... as if ganun naman daw ako? NOT!

i've thought about it. sige! ikaw nang cool! ikaw ng astig.! if what defines "cool" is partying hard and spending the whole day at coffee bars and spending my night at still another bar. pweh! sayong sayo na! kahit man maging "geek" ako or wateber. mas masaya akong ganto. nakaka-ubong usok ng sigarilyo, nakakasukang malalanding babae, nakakadiring manyakis at "in heat" na lalaki. PWEH!! weh? yeah!

ur so kewl pare! (pweh... nakakadiri ka tol) araw-arawin mo pa. yay! kaysaya! enjoy.

note: hindi patama sa minsan minsanang may kabuluhan na pag-enjoy ng barkada. ^__^ (haha... bigla bang bawe 'to? hindi!!)

you think you're the best

don't be shy, don't deny! you think your the best, or you have something that's better than others. it's ok.

i understand how you think, cause i thought of it too. it's a hard habit to stop but now i'v realized, we're all equal. actually it's kinda sad.. we're all the same. but boasting different things. funny..

i've learned to appreciate everything. now there's something wrong.. i can't tell which is better? is there even better? when we're all the best at something and that makes us wonderful persons. :D

da one?

haha.. sounds korny. but.. it feels weird and i feel embarrassed thinking about it. admitting that i feel this way cause the person concerned might feel the opposite or might be scared of the idea. ha! tao nga naman.. lage gusto may kasama sa lahat ng bagay. includes feelings din? mm??

anyway, i realized it kasi.. my ex, i knew from the start i was NEVER ever gonna end up with him. the idea never crossed my mind! honestly. mamatay man ako. and now... with my current bf, i suddenly have this wanting.

is it him or am i in that stage?? i'd say both? maybe.. i haven't thought about it. i'll assume it. cause right from the start (extremely cheesy) i thought, this guy.. i want to marry this guy. he's the one.

right from the start, i didn't think he was perfect. in relationships, that stage happens right? oh.. he's so perfect.. hindi kame bagay and what not. pero, that time, with him. he was my friend, and i knew his flaws and found them.. funny... annoying kung minsan.. and familiar.. in a way cause i have like hundreds of flaws myself. no joke.

then... on the motherly instinct?? i don't think motherly yet. cause my mind's like in pregnancy stage and not the giving birth and taking care of my baby stage. i think, being pregnant would be wonderful. although, yeah... yeah.. i won't! don't worry.. i'm just 20, unemployed, undergrad, owns nothing whatsoever. i know my responsibilities.

so.. i was thinking, regardless of who the person might be. gaaad.. let it be him. but who knows. i want to get married in the age of 27-29. that, would be perfect! i wanted 24-26, but.. there's this issue about "mom".

anyway, i was just thinking of him this day, and how he's the best guy that could ever have loved me and i'm so thankful. i feel guilty of treating him unfairly this past few days, he's even sick! gaad... how mean can i be? he's even so cute. i don't know what has gotten into me this past days.